MR. DOOL


Oh, come on, Maersk Alabama!

Remember the Maersk Alabama?  That boat that we all cared about for that week when we cared about pirates, in the days before we cared about getting to second base with the TSA (third if you’re a prude) and Justin Bieber?  Well, OMG, it’s back.

In a move taken straight from the Lindsay Lohan playbook, the Alabama got itself in trouble doing the same thing it always does and landed on CNN.com once more, smiling for the cameras with a vacant look in its figurative eyes and some powdery residue caked under its metaphorical nose.

Dr. Phil, Voice of a Generation (of old white people living in landlocked states) always says that his definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.  In which case the Maersk Alabama is TOTALLY INSANE. Seriously, we need a hidden camera in this bastard’s living room and some tough love delivered in front of a live studio audience STAT.

Let’s break down exactly what has happened here.

April 2009: Pirate attack off the coast of Somalia

November 2009: Pirate attack off the coast of Somalia

September 2010: Pirate attack off the coast of Somalia

December 2010: Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew

Clearly, no one involved in this situation has ever listened to Great White, because they’re like 139 times bitten and still not shy at all.

When I was in middle school, there was a mean dog who lived in a house that I would walk past on my way home.  Once, it chased me down the street and tried to bite me.  So do you know what I did?  I STOPPED WALKING THAT WAY TO SCHOOL.

Listen, Maersk Alabama, let me speak directly to you: admitting a problem is the first step to recovery.  And right now, your problem is pirates, specifically of the Somalian persuasion.  I know, I know.  They have charming smiles and may or may not be underage, which you must find appealing, given that you’re called the Alabama and all.  But you’re a long way from Birmingham, and out there in the real world, Somali pirates will pat your back with one hand and aim a rocket-propelled grenade at your engine room with the other.

I’m all for not letting the terrorists win — hello, I lived near Ground Zero for two years and also hello, I went and bought a bunch of American-made things at the mall when we went to war in Iraq in a one-man attempt to support the economy, 1940’s war bond-style.  And that was before Michael Williams was leaning continuously!  He was still standing intermittently then!

But you’ve got to get your head out of the clouds, Maersk Alabama!  These pirates aren’t going to stop.  What’s their alternative?  Classes at night to become a VCR programmer?  Drawing a self-portrait and applying to the Art Institute Schools?

Help us help you.  Stay out of the Horn of Africa.  That’s no place for a boat like you. You should be somewhere comparatively fun and relaxing, like the South Pacific or Thailand when it isn’t tsunami season or whatever.

Besides, Africa has enough problems without having to worry about you contributing to another international incident.  Ben Affleck and Madonna keep coming around and have you seen this trailer for the Winnie Mandela biopic?  Yikes.

So let’s all work together to defeat these pirates by giving them at least one less reliable target.  After all, do you really want to wake up and find that you’ve been kicked out of a high-profile porny art movie and that your Dad is talking to Extra again?  No?  Didn’t think so.

I’ll be watching you!

With Love,
Mr. Dool

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