MR. DOOL


Nate Berkus Doesn’t Like to Get His Hair Wet, and Other Dumb Shit Celebrities Think We Care About

In the October issue of GQ, design guru Nate Berkus made this startling confession: “All right, here’s the truth: I hate getting my hair wet.”

Oh, Nate.  Nate, Nate, Nate.  Nate, who I’m still not convinced is not actually Bradley Cooper (have you ever seen them together?), has much to learn about the art of a good celebrity soundbite, namely that when you begin a sentence with “All right, here’s the truth,” you better fucking end it with something more interesting than your weirdo grooming habits.  Like, “All right, here’s the truth: I just did a bunch of blow and LET’S DANCE!” or “All right, here’s the truth: Rachael Ray touched me…down there.”

You can’t exactly blame Mr. Berkus for this most boring admission.  Nate’s (and everyone’s) mentor, Oprah, has made many a bland statement that she seems to think people will find interesting simply because she is the one saying it.  But, Nate, you are not Oprah, and you best not forget it, because just as Oprah giveth, Oprah can taketh away.  Fortunately, if Berkus ever does need to defend himself against his more mind-numbing musings (he also doesn’t “believe in” buying new watches, much like you or I may not “believe in” watching The Nate Berkus Show), there is a long line of other celebrities who are right behind him, running their mouths and preening in the warmth of our collective adulation.  Take a walk with me, won’t you?

Here is just a smattering of the examples from magazines I have in the rack next to my couch, plus two bonus quotes I found online:

“I’ve started to wear pants a lot.” – Erin Fetherston, Paper, September 2010

“The thing I find most disconcerting is that I wake up sometimes and the dog is staring into the bathroom from the foot of the bed.” -Ryan Reynolds, GQ, October 2010

“I have plenty of girlfriends who masturbate all the time.” -Chelsea Handler, Rolling Stone, September 2010

“I just went surfing the other day at Point Dume with Sean Penn.” -Josh Brolin, VMAN, Fall 2010

“My gynecologist once told me I have a lot of testosterone.” -Linda Fargo, Paper, September 2010

“I like to iron.” -Sandra Bullock, Parade, November 2009

“I don’t own a car but do rent them from time to time. We rented bikes last week, though, while on the Italian coast.” -Nigel Barker, NYMag.com, August 2010

“The freckle on my left thigh is named Tinkerbell.” -Melissa Joan Hart, US Weekly, September 2010

“I spend my free time reading quotes.” -Drake, Rolling Stone, September 2010

So, Berkus, help us help you: before you open your mouth and offer up another boring blurb (and yes, I did see the part about you planning your whole day around your workout, and no, I do not care), think about whether or not what you’re saying is something you’d want to read.  And if all else fails, there’s always panties:

“When I was 22 years old and working as a TV anchor in Baltimore, there was a young production assistant in the newsroom, Gayle King. One night there was a snowstorm and she couldn’t get home. I said, ‘Hey, you can spend the night at my house.’ She said, ‘I don’t have any panties.’  I said, ‘Well, I do.  I have clean panties, and once I give ’em to you, you don’t have to give ’em back.” -Oprah Winfrey, XM Radio, July 2006

Now THAT’S how you give a motherfucking quote.

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2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I can’t believe I just gave you a page view. How dare you diss my dream gay man. Nate Berkus is the Pauly D of interior design, he doesn’t HAVE to get his hair wet, or answer to you, Mr. Dool.

Comment by Marta

mr dool, i have to agree with marta. if not ever showering is how you get hair like nate berkus then that’s OK WITH ME.

Comment by julia




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